Kintsugi and the Beauty of Brokenness

“All of these lines across my face

Tell you the story of who I am

So many stories of where I’ve been

And how I got to where I am…”

I love these opening lines of The Story (I love Sara Ramirez’ version of the song) - it articulates that imperfections are what defines us and sets us apart from others.  This became particularly relevant to me when I stumbled across an article on Japanese ceramics.   We live in a world where symmetry, perfection and eternal youth are idealised. Age and imperfections are undesirables.  We tend to look on age as “damaged or worn” skin tissue and degeneration.  Isn’t it sad that by doing this we deny the core of who we really are.

The article I came across was about the Japanese art of Kintsugi.  Kintsugi dates from the 15th century when a Japanese shogun sent a broken bowl to China to be mended.  It returned with crude ugly staples holding it together.  The Japanese craftsmen set about to find a more aesthetic alternative to restoring the bowl to its former glory.  This is how kintsugi was born.  They repaired the damaged ceramics with gold.  They believe if something has suffered damage, it has a history and is therefore beautiful. I love the idea of highlighting the repair instead of hiding it. Resilience is "soul gold". This struck me as a particularly beautiful philosophy.  Instead of attempting to hide the damage or flaws, they made these features of the new piece.  The vicissitudes of existence over time, to which we are all susceptible, could not be clearer than in the breaks, the knocks, and the shattering of the ceramic vessel.  This poignancy or aesthetic of existence shows a compassionate sensitivity and a belief that it has a beauty that is dependent on the very faults it seeks to mend, not by hiding them, but by celebrating them as part of the life of the bowl.  Mending the fissures with gold, made it not only decorative but even more valuable than before the damage was done.  More than just a means of repair, kintsugi promotes a hopeful philosophy; unexpected damage can be an opportunity for transformation and reinvention. Kintsugi is essentially a belief in reified transcience.

Why are we so unforgiving of our own scars and broken bits?  Whenever something is “broken” and repaired or restored in some way, we always want it to be the way it was before the damage was done.  I wonder what would be possible if we could honour all our life shattering experiences in this way?  What if the wounds and wear of time were recognised as survival’s beauty instead?  Instead of frowning about the cracks in our own lives, what if we made a point of treating the broken pieces of our lives with the tenderness and care of a Japanese kintsugi artist – illuminating them and assimilating them into who we are?  Would we not be more at peace with ourselves if we were able to view the cracks and chinks in our lives as opportunities to be transformed into something more beautiful, not in spite of the cracks, but because of them?  What might become possible if all experiences of breaking could be honoured this way — if the wounds and wear of time were recognized as survival’s beauty?  If we could rewire our neural pathways to think differently about life’s injuries, we would more than likely transform our experience of them.

Finding this article about Kintsugi affirms that one can only live an authentic life with one’s scars exposed.  There is strength in admitting vulnerability.  Isn’t it funny how children are always show scars like medals and lovers use them as secrets to reveal? Our scars tell a story of who we are.  They bear testimony that we have lived, loved, hurt, cried and healed. Why do we attempt to hide our scars or get disheartened when we are unable to put the shards of life back together exactly the way they were?  When we own the reality of our lives, the truths of it, scars and all, we learn to live with grace and declare with pride – This is who I am.  Emotional scars tell all kinds of stories – disappointment, rejection, heartbreak, failure and loss.  There may be tenderness beneath some scars but the simple definitive decision to live with them and let go, is a catalyst for profound change.

Healing is much like kintsugi.  When the vessel has been shattered, letting go is easier once you have been able to take a good look at yourself and assess the damage.  Find out where the hurt is, which pieces are missing and what you used to look like.  Fit the pieces together, sand down the rough and splintered edges (desensitise the hurt) and accept that you will never be the same as you were.  You have been touched and you have grown.  It is rather ironic that the kintsugi craftsmen use a toxic a resin to repair the damage and heal the shattered ceramic vessel.  It takes time, patience and optimism.  Sometimes it is precisely the most toxic things that become instruments of transformation but it requires care and awareness and an open mind. This is why people who have suffered pain and growth are so clearly marked by their experience that they have a sort of gravity of excellence to them.  People who are able to let go and accept what is, are not afraid to be broken again because they know it leads to new experiences. These are the people who command your attention because of what they have survived but we forget that they did not get that way because they stayed the way they were made.  They took risks, got burned and broken, lost people close to them and then reassembled themselves with care, love and hope.  Too often we try to pretend that the mistakes we made never happened and attempt to hide any evidence that something bad occurred.  But in doing so, we forget that our scars remind us that we survived and have a story to tell.  They remind us that there is a moment of healing behind the break.  Like the broken objects that the Japanese mend with gold, the scars that life sometimes leaves us with can be a source where the beauty of our inner strength and compassion emerges.  Fill your scars with gold  - love, forgiveness of yourself and others, joy, kindness and hope.   Imagine how strong that bond of metal is on the fragile clay walls.  Isn’t every scar thick, carefully made and a living testimony of resilience? Wear them proudly, you have earned them.

My Pretty One

It seems like only yesterday that I cradled you in my arms and fell in love with your smile… tonight, you left the front door as a radiant young woman on the brink of a new chapter in life.  Coming home after dropping you off, I came across signs of your tornado passing through the house in the chaos of preparations this afternoon, and I smiled.  You have been such a transformative power in my life from the moment I found out about you.  You have touched my life in ways I cannot begin to articulate and I will never be the same.

I look at you and don’t only see the beautiful young woman in the scarlet dress, I see my little girl who always searched for my hand when she was uncertain… You will always be this curious dichotomy – woman and little girl in my eyes. I remember singing you to sleep many nights, explaining that the dusting of freckles on your nose is like a sprinkling of fairy dust – magical beauty that you have been given.  I still saw the adorable fairy dust on your nose tonight – and it seems to be so apt – my little girl is still in there somewhere.  The dimples when you smile took my breath away when I discovered them the first time I held you swaddled in a blanket and tonight, the radiant smile brought many tears to my eyes.  

I recall teaching you to read, teaching you the difference between hexagons and pentagons, nursery rhymes, colours and many other things.  We spent hours colouring pictures, building puzzles and watching cartoons together. I will never forget the first day you went to Nursery School – the teacher called, you had punched a boy and given him a black eye – he had deserved it.  It was hard not to chuckle and the teacher could hardly stifle her laugh – you have always been a feisty and fiery one and I realize just how appropriate the scarlet dress is tonight. I am so proud of the young woman you have become and I hold my breath each time you start a new chapter – how can I not? 

My heart squeezes when I look at you because I realize that nothing under the sun compares to the love of a mother for her child.  It is a different kind of vulnerability – seeing a wondrous incarnation of yourself outside of your own existence. Above all, I hope you will one day know just how much I do love you and how profoundly you have touched my life.  I love you Snookums.

Love

Mommy

x

The "broken" Hallelujah

Hallelujah is a Hebrew word which when translated means "Glory to the Lord".  I recorded this cover of the Leonard Cohen hit recently on a visit to South Africa.  I love the song - it speaks to my life on so many levels.  It touches on the human notions of vulnerability, confusion, seduction betrayal and guilt.  

But the underlying message is that all the perfect and broken hallelujah's have equal value.  It is an affirmation of faith and hope in life, love and surrender.  It speaks of the brokenness of our humanity and the vulnerabillity of love and our humanness.  

It reminds me of e.e. cummings' line 

"i do not know what is is about you that closes and opens; only something in me understands the voice of your eyes is deeper than all roses."

It is only when you live a life of challenge as opposed to one of comfort that you grow.  When you grow, you  become whole unto yourself.  That is the broken hallelujah - it is a humble affirmation of gratitude for discovering the blessing in heartache and the power of renewal. If it weren't for heartache you would never find joy. 

Hallelujah for the broken ones and for the ones which I know are yet to be spoken.

Just Be 

Life is about "is-ness" not "oughtness"

Stillness is a pre-requisite for true connection with yourself and others. If a beautiful pebble is thrown into your soul's pond, you need to be still to see and feel the ripples. It is when you are still that the pebble makes a deep splashing sound instead of skimming obnoxiously to the other side with no impact.

It is when you are open to the gifts of life instead of clinging to expectations or anticipated outcomes, that the magic happens in your soul. It is in the silent spaces between my thoughts that I have discovered the beauty, magic and mystery of the moment rising to the surface. It is when I am quiet and in a creative frame of mind  that I am truly happiest. Just BE  - let go and live in the moment as it is not as you think it ought to be  - and you will discover an abundance and regeneration you never imagined possible.

On Sacred Ground

Like most people, I adore babies and toddlers, not because they are so noisy but because they are so incredibly beautiful.  There is something so perfect about a child that moves me and melts my heart. Aside from the obvious cliché’s about innocence, I think we recognise our Unconditioned Self in them.  The Unconditioned Self is known by many different labels (Taoists call it the Uncarved Block, Hindus refer to eternal bliss consciousness and Christians refer to Original Innocence among others) but essentially the unconditioned self is the essence of YOU before the world and the ego got in the way.  It’s the memory of God that you forget about as you grow older and life batters and bruises you.  We can learn much from the unadulterated essences of children.


For years I felt like there was something missing in my make-up somewhere, like a chapter in a novel was missing and therefore felt incomplete and inadequate.  As a result I searched relentlessly to find happiness in my career, in friends, in relationships but it was doomed to fail.  It occurred to me this morning that this feeling of lack led me on a wild goose chase searching somewhere else for happiness.  I overlooked what was here when I was chasing after there.  I never seemed to find it because it was like an ever-elusive missing piece of a puzzle.  The core of the problem is the perception that the source of happiness is external to you.  This one misperception and fear breeds feelings of unworthiness, lack and misery.  The earth moved for me when I realised that I am happiest when I am painting, drawing or singing – creating something.  The shift occurred when I realised that what was giving me joy was already inside me.  Universal joy is in your heart and soul already.   You are sacred ground.  You do not need a pilgrimage to some holy site to find redemption and the secret of fulfillment. Your heart is the most sacred site in the world.  You are what you have been searching for so desperately.  As long as you think there is something wrong with you, your life will manifest this belief.

We have all suffered great pain, heartache, disillusionment, betrayal and devastation but the key is to remember that experiences are not analogous to identity. Perhaps this is why Buddhists will rather say, you are “with fear” instead of saying “you are afraid” – the fear is not who you are.  Attachment to such emotions is the source of suffering.  Whatever you choose to identify with, you will attract more of.  I don’t think problems are fixed, we have to outgrow them and let go of them.  In essence I realised that what is wrong with the world is what is wrong in me.  Your world changes when you do.  We are raised to believe that we live in a world when really the world lives in you. 

We are raised to believe that time and reality is this entity that exists independently of us – something separate from us, but perhaps the argument for a biocentric universe has a point.  If so, then your mind can really move mountains.  For years I subconsciously accepted that the world was pretty much a deterministic place and I responded as a conditioned reflex… not much different from Pavlov’s dogs, is it?  How many of us are walking around with conditioned responses?  When the world (or your career or relationship or whatever it may be) rings, do you drool?

When I discovered what Cognitive Psychology was about, I thought that the world was a world of choice.  The Cognitive School of Psychology believe that your life is what your thoughts make it.  It is still limited because we are still defined as an effect (albeit with choice) of the world when in fact you ARE the world.

Perhaps the world is more of a mirror – a projection of your mind.  This is synchronous with tenets of quantum physics and the Uncertainty Principle.  For years physicists and scientists continued to construct models based on the assumption of a separate universe “out there” into which we have each individually been born.  They presume the existence of one essential reality which prevails independently of us.  But, quantum physics experiments have shown the opposite.  Results (and what is manifested)do depend on whether someone is observing.  This is particularly clear in the well known two slit experiment which shows when a subatomic particle or a bit of light passes through the slits, the particle behaves like a bullet passing through one hole or the other if it is being observed or measured, but if no one is observing the particle, it exhibits the properties of a wave that can inhabit all possibilities – including passing through both holes simultaneously.  When I read about it, I thought it is pretty much like a toddler (and some men!) who only behave when you are looking… But I digress… Perhaps this is where we jinx our romantic relationships... When we try to "measure" the bond or commitment by our expectations, we manifest insecurity.

In the biocentric paradigm, consciousness creates the universe.  In other words, the universe is created by life not the other way around.  Essentially you are the process not the part of the process that you control.  Reality involves your consciousness. All experiences are bits of information that occur in your mind.  We use space and time to make sense of it – they are creations of the mind, not absolute external entities.  Science hasn’t confronted the one thing that is most familiar and most mysterious – consciousness.  The old Newtonian way of thinking assumes the universe to be a lifeless collection of particles which was behaving in a semi-predicable way.  Science is pretty good at figuring out and explaining how the parts work, but the big picture remains a problem.  Science cannot explain how consciouness arrives from matter.

In other words, consciousness is the matrix on which the cosmos hinges. Colour, sound, temperature and such only exist as perceptions in our heads, not as absolute essences.
I think Hawking may be right in believing that the universe may not have had a unique beginning - that its initial conditions existed in quantum superposition, just like the electrons of an atom's electron cloud. In other words, the initial conditions were not fixed and singular, assigned either by God or by Chance. Instead they are relevant only in relation to today's universe in which physicists calculate them from working backward from the present conditions that we do observe. I think there is value in interpreting empirical science through a metaphysical lens.

Happiness is not a destination or an external entity to be found. Instead, its about embracing the superposition of the unconditioned self and seeing the beauty and treasure within your own soul. Believe in your own worth and your worthiness will show through your eyes. That should be your pilgrimage - to the sacred grounds and swamplands od your own soul.

 

The Soul Alchemist & an Updated YOU

I have been getting increasingly annoyed with technology recently.  I am forever getting notifications (usually at the least convenient time) that an updated version of whatever the software application I happen to be using at that point in time, is ready for an update download.  This morning, in the middle of a document, I had to shut down and restart my computer because of one of these updates.  After uttering a few colourful words, I sat back impatiently and waited for it to restart.  It was then that I had a moment of insight and had to suppress a smile.  Isn’t it funny how some things in life just seem to happen at the right moment and convey a message that you really need to hear?

Just like a computer system sometimes needs maintenance and a reset so to speak, so do we.  Sometimes, we also need to shut down, to download a newer version of ourselves and restart on a clean page.  Sometimes it is a good thing that all the previous data have been lost – it means that you have to start on a clean slate with a new updated perspective so to speak.

Come to think of it, in my experience it is at those times when we feel “stuck” or in a rut of sorts it is a symptom of a bigger transformation that is underway behind the scenes?  From times when I have felt “stuck” and unsure of the next step, I have learnt to accept that sometimes it is ok to feel stuck and that it’s often a symptom and a herald of some change.  For the caterpillar to transform and become a butterfly, it needs to spend time in the crucible of change where it feels painfully stuck.  The more I think about it the more it makes sense.  

A transformative process always seems to need some form of containment.  A chrysalis facilitates and protects this miraculous process of transformation.  The same is true for an egg and a womb.  Transformation requires confinement and containment where the totality of the system surrenders to the process without interference. 

So when something appears to be inescapable – that is the moment when the process of change begins.  In emotional terms, over the last few months, my caterpillar soul looked in the mirror and saw what it could no longer be.  But to melt and shed the previous form it needed to produce huge intensity, energy and internal heat.  The chrysalis is a mirror of change and I had to be inside the experience for as long as was necessary.  To use it, to listen in and discover a newer updated version of me.

I love my coffee… But I don’t get to see the hands that harvested the beans, packed them, shipped them to Australia and often not even when the barista is making the brew.  The invisible work is the essence of change and transformation.  The old me was shedding its form – that was the outward visible part but the invisible part was the new version of me that was being formed in silence.    I have had to clear the deck and scrub everything down, discard what was not worthwhile any longer – to forgive, to heal and to make peace.  It’s a dimensional shift that is required.  Like the software that was outdated and no longer functional, feeling stuck is an entry point for a dimensional shift. 

Astronomers have also had to rethink their views somewhat – it is only recently that we have been able to see into a black hole instead of just seeing space.  The black hole of a crisis is the moment just before the breakthrough – but the brilliance that awaits you on the other side is only accessible if you embrace your chrysalis moment and the crucible of change.  If you can do that, you will find the dimensional shift and see how the black hole in your universe curves into new possibilities.  But finding new possibilities requires uncertainty, intense volatility and transformation.  It means getting up and reconnecting to the line of your life and endeavours – joining it to where is has moved to now – not where you left it.  It requires some robustness and capacity for spontaneous recovery. 

I also realised that we lose our sense of reverence too quickly.  Just think about relationships – how a new relationship can inspire you and make your spirits soar… Have  I lost my capacity for reverence?  Can I embrace life with a spirit of excitement for the unknown?  Perhaps failures are directly related to a loss of reverence.  Life demands reinvention, chutzpah, resilience and heaps of optimism.  

There is so much darkness in the world.  Just look up at night – the majority of the night canvas is darkness with pinpricks of light.  There is light and there is hidden light – what scientists call dark matter.  Like the stars, we are engulfed by darkness – a void that has not been illuminated.  The more I think about life and my place in it – it seems that our task here is to claim the dark void, to fill it and release the hidden light.   When you meet a stranger – the space between you is pretty much a void.  Once you have started conversation – you will share your worlds – and find common ground.  In this process you are creating streaks of light between you.  

The conversation and interaction transports you to a different place and time and you find yourself on the edge of discoveries, creating new possibilities.  It is inside the void and in the interaction, that hidden light is released from its concealment and you co-create your universe together.  That is why I believe giving your presence to someone is the greatest thing you can give.  Offering your full attention and offering your vulnerability is the greatest form of generosity.  Giving your mindful presence is the greatest gift you can give to anyone.  This is what lifts the conversation from the mundane to the sacred.

My mind has been buzzing today and I guess I tend to kaleidoscope too much.  I try to see patterns and synchrony in life and between seemingly unrelated things.  In the process I try to apply concepts and principles cross field – not always successfully I might add.  I do this to try to discover new meanings in new connections and combinations and to learn to anticipate what is newly emerging.  It’s my version of connecting the dots to find constellations where some will only see random stars.  For me life is about finding meaning, not a search for happiness which the world seems to think is symmetrical.

Symmetry is a distortion invented by Newton.  There is similarity and likeness but not symmetry. The Newtonian obsession with symmetry expects action and reaction to be symmetrically opposite and equal.  There is no symmetry in relationships or anything connected with human beings.  Reciprocity is certainly not symmetrical.  How can it when we are all so unique?  Why do we always insist on expecting symmetry?   It’s the difference between equity and equitability.  Equal by definition is not equitable.  Karl Marx didn’t get this.  Nothing in this world is equal.  This is a very much differentiated universe.  Everything is unique.   I wish the world would understand if anything is meant to be equal it should be equal to itself.  I am unique because I bring a unique presence to the world – the same applies to you.

Reciprocity means that each is working to help the other meet his/her needs.  Need are by nature, seldom symmetrical and therefore neither is their fulfilment.  Giving yourself or your love should be because you feel compelled to, because it gives meaning to you and a sense of purpose.  It is not a conditional commitment of symmetrical returns.

I took an emotional sabbatical the last few months – a retreat from the world and relationships to find that containment to grow.  I think we are all engaged in an alchemical process.  Alchemy was not about turning lead into gold as some would believe.  I read recently that it was about transforming base matter by liberating the inherent essence or the meaning in it.  Transmutation implied looking within – looking at what the substance is to discover what its meaning and nature are.  The true alchemist in the middle ages was after discovering the valuable essence of whatever base substance he was working with.  In life, I believe, we have to be Soul Alchemists – to explore the depths of our souls and to discover our uniqueness - our soul's gold – that which defines you and sets you apart from others. That is the penultimate vocation in life - to take time out when you're battered and bruised to find that special magic in yourself and transform what you thought to be pure lead into solid gold.  Sometimes, you only see lead in yourself because that is what you have been conditioned to believe, or perhaps the possibility of having some "gold" inside of you seems too far fetched and unrealistic?

This brings to mind the passage in Coelho’s The Alchemist:

“This is why alchemy exists,” the boy said.  “So that everyone will search for his treasure, find it, and then want to be better than he was in his former life.  Lead will play a role until the world has no more use for lead; and then lead will have to turn itself into gold.  That’s what alchemists do.  They show that, when we strive to become better than we are, everything around us becomes better too.”

The updated version - A happier me :0)

You are exactly where you are supposed to be.  It is up to you to transform yourself - no-one else can do it for you.  You have to do the work.  You have to have the meltdown before you can break the chrysalis and turn your lead into gold.  Claim the void.  Shine your light, be reverent.  Shut down.  Turn it off.  Download the latent updated you. Give yourself permission to be new and embrace the innocence of hope. The only “perfect” is what IS.  “Should” is a chimera of the mind.  Life is too short for shoulds.  Truth can hurt but it can also liberate the butterfly from the chrysalis.  Enjoy the mandate of being alive and having the power of choice. Thank God for the power of renewal.

Message to inner self…. Download complete and Update installed. Live it dammit!