Unmoored

In the late afternoon sun I watched the reflections of mooring posts ruffled by the breeze on the water.  I found myself at the water's edge after receiving a phone call that brought my world to a screeching halt.  While I was sitting there, watching the gulls and the sail boats, I noticed a the gulls perching on the mooring posts nearby.  As I looked at them, I felt that familiar ping on my soul's radar.  The more I looked at the weathered wooden posts with the array of mooring lines attached to them, the more I felt myself moved by them.  Again, I learnt something from the seemingly mundane.  These thoughts became fodder for this sketch.

 I realised we all need moorings in life - friends, family and lovers. But the most important ones are internal and self-made. I hope that I can be a mooring post for others at times - to hold boats firmly against the drift of the current in stormy water;  to stand alone at times and wait patiently for the boat to come ashore; to provide a vantage point for visiting gulls to watch the world go by for a while; or simply to be a place of quiet rest. Sometimes life demands that you cut mooring lines with the faith that there will be new moorings in the unknown. If we could each be a mooring post for at least one person in this world, surely it would be a better place for all.  There is real beauty in simple and mundane things if only we take the trouble to look beyond the obvious.

Kintsugi and the Beauty of Brokenness

“All of these lines across my face

Tell you the story of who I am

So many stories of where I’ve been

And how I got to where I am…”

I love these opening lines of The Story (I love Sara Ramirez’ version of the song) - it articulates that imperfections are what defines us and sets us apart from others.  This became particularly relevant to me when I stumbled across an article on Japanese ceramics.   We live in a world where symmetry, perfection and eternal youth are idealised. Age and imperfections are undesirables.  We tend to look on age as “damaged or worn” skin tissue and degeneration.  Isn’t it sad that by doing this we deny the core of who we really are.

The article I came across was about the Japanese art of Kintsugi.  Kintsugi dates from the 15th century when a Japanese shogun sent a broken bowl to China to be mended.  It returned with crude ugly staples holding it together.  The Japanese craftsmen set about to find a more aesthetic alternative to restoring the bowl to its former glory.  This is how kintsugi was born.  They repaired the damaged ceramics with gold.  They believe if something has suffered damage, it has a history and is therefore beautiful. I love the idea of highlighting the repair instead of hiding it. Resilience is "soul gold". This struck me as a particularly beautiful philosophy.  Instead of attempting to hide the damage or flaws, they made these features of the new piece.  The vicissitudes of existence over time, to which we are all susceptible, could not be clearer than in the breaks, the knocks, and the shattering of the ceramic vessel.  This poignancy or aesthetic of existence shows a compassionate sensitivity and a belief that it has a beauty that is dependent on the very faults it seeks to mend, not by hiding them, but by celebrating them as part of the life of the bowl.  Mending the fissures with gold, made it not only decorative but even more valuable than before the damage was done.  More than just a means of repair, kintsugi promotes a hopeful philosophy; unexpected damage can be an opportunity for transformation and reinvention. Kintsugi is essentially a belief in reified transcience.

Why are we so unforgiving of our own scars and broken bits?  Whenever something is “broken” and repaired or restored in some way, we always want it to be the way it was before the damage was done.  I wonder what would be possible if we could honour all our life shattering experiences in this way?  What if the wounds and wear of time were recognised as survival’s beauty instead?  Instead of frowning about the cracks in our own lives, what if we made a point of treating the broken pieces of our lives with the tenderness and care of a Japanese kintsugi artist – illuminating them and assimilating them into who we are?  Would we not be more at peace with ourselves if we were able to view the cracks and chinks in our lives as opportunities to be transformed into something more beautiful, not in spite of the cracks, but because of them?  What might become possible if all experiences of breaking could be honoured this way — if the wounds and wear of time were recognized as survival’s beauty?  If we could rewire our neural pathways to think differently about life’s injuries, we would more than likely transform our experience of them.

Finding this article about Kintsugi affirms that one can only live an authentic life with one’s scars exposed.  There is strength in admitting vulnerability.  Isn’t it funny how children are always show scars like medals and lovers use them as secrets to reveal? Our scars tell a story of who we are.  They bear testimony that we have lived, loved, hurt, cried and healed. Why do we attempt to hide our scars or get disheartened when we are unable to put the shards of life back together exactly the way they were?  When we own the reality of our lives, the truths of it, scars and all, we learn to live with grace and declare with pride – This is who I am.  Emotional scars tell all kinds of stories – disappointment, rejection, heartbreak, failure and loss.  There may be tenderness beneath some scars but the simple definitive decision to live with them and let go, is a catalyst for profound change.

Healing is much like kintsugi.  When the vessel has been shattered, letting go is easier once you have been able to take a good look at yourself and assess the damage.  Find out where the hurt is, which pieces are missing and what you used to look like.  Fit the pieces together, sand down the rough and splintered edges (desensitise the hurt) and accept that you will never be the same as you were.  You have been touched and you have grown.  It is rather ironic that the kintsugi craftsmen use a toxic a resin to repair the damage and heal the shattered ceramic vessel.  It takes time, patience and optimism.  Sometimes it is precisely the most toxic things that become instruments of transformation but it requires care and awareness and an open mind. This is why people who have suffered pain and growth are so clearly marked by their experience that they have a sort of gravity of excellence to them.  People who are able to let go and accept what is, are not afraid to be broken again because they know it leads to new experiences. These are the people who command your attention because of what they have survived but we forget that they did not get that way because they stayed the way they were made.  They took risks, got burned and broken, lost people close to them and then reassembled themselves with care, love and hope.  Too often we try to pretend that the mistakes we made never happened and attempt to hide any evidence that something bad occurred.  But in doing so, we forget that our scars remind us that we survived and have a story to tell.  They remind us that there is a moment of healing behind the break.  Like the broken objects that the Japanese mend with gold, the scars that life sometimes leaves us with can be a source where the beauty of our inner strength and compassion emerges.  Fill your scars with gold  - love, forgiveness of yourself and others, joy, kindness and hope.   Imagine how strong that bond of metal is on the fragile clay walls.  Isn’t every scar thick, carefully made and a living testimony of resilience? Wear them proudly, you have earned them.

My Pretty One

It seems like only yesterday that I cradled you in my arms and fell in love with your smile… tonight, you left the front door as a radiant young woman on the brink of a new chapter in life.  Coming home after dropping you off, I came across signs of your tornado passing through the house in the chaos of preparations this afternoon, and I smiled.  You have been such a transformative power in my life from the moment I found out about you.  You have touched my life in ways I cannot begin to articulate and I will never be the same.

I look at you and don’t only see the beautiful young woman in the scarlet dress, I see my little girl who always searched for my hand when she was uncertain… You will always be this curious dichotomy – woman and little girl in my eyes. I remember singing you to sleep many nights, explaining that the dusting of freckles on your nose is like a sprinkling of fairy dust – magical beauty that you have been given.  I still saw the adorable fairy dust on your nose tonight – and it seems to be so apt – my little girl is still in there somewhere.  The dimples when you smile took my breath away when I discovered them the first time I held you swaddled in a blanket and tonight, the radiant smile brought many tears to my eyes.  

I recall teaching you to read, teaching you the difference between hexagons and pentagons, nursery rhymes, colours and many other things.  We spent hours colouring pictures, building puzzles and watching cartoons together. I will never forget the first day you went to Nursery School – the teacher called, you had punched a boy and given him a black eye – he had deserved it.  It was hard not to chuckle and the teacher could hardly stifle her laugh – you have always been a feisty and fiery one and I realize just how appropriate the scarlet dress is tonight. I am so proud of the young woman you have become and I hold my breath each time you start a new chapter – how can I not? 

My heart squeezes when I look at you because I realize that nothing under the sun compares to the love of a mother for her child.  It is a different kind of vulnerability – seeing a wondrous incarnation of yourself outside of your own existence. Above all, I hope you will one day know just how much I do love you and how profoundly you have touched my life.  I love you Snookums.

Love

Mommy

x

The "broken" Hallelujah

Hallelujah is a Hebrew word which when translated means "Glory to the Lord".  I recorded this cover of the Leonard Cohen hit recently on a visit to South Africa.  I love the song - it speaks to my life on so many levels.  It touches on the human notions of vulnerability, confusion, seduction betrayal and guilt.  

But the underlying message is that all the perfect and broken hallelujah's have equal value.  It is an affirmation of faith and hope in life, love and surrender.  It speaks of the brokenness of our humanity and the vulnerabillity of love and our humanness.  

It reminds me of e.e. cummings' line 

"i do not know what is is about you that closes and opens; only something in me understands the voice of your eyes is deeper than all roses."

It is only when you live a life of challenge as opposed to one of comfort that you grow.  When you grow, you  become whole unto yourself.  That is the broken hallelujah - it is a humble affirmation of gratitude for discovering the blessing in heartache and the power of renewal. If it weren't for heartache you would never find joy. 

Hallelujah for the broken ones and for the ones which I know are yet to be spoken.

Just Be 

Life is about "is-ness" not "oughtness"

Stillness is a pre-requisite for true connection with yourself and others. If a beautiful pebble is thrown into your soul's pond, you need to be still to see and feel the ripples. It is when you are still that the pebble makes a deep splashing sound instead of skimming obnoxiously to the other side with no impact.

It is when you are open to the gifts of life instead of clinging to expectations or anticipated outcomes, that the magic happens in your soul. It is in the silent spaces between my thoughts that I have discovered the beauty, magic and mystery of the moment rising to the surface. It is when I am quiet and in a creative frame of mind  that I am truly happiest. Just BE  - let go and live in the moment as it is not as you think it ought to be  - and you will discover an abundance and regeneration you never imagined possible.

On Sacred Ground

Like most people, I adore babies and toddlers, not because they are so noisy but because they are so incredibly beautiful.  There is something so perfect about a child that moves me and melts my heart. Aside from the obvious cliché’s about innocence, I think we recognise our Unconditioned Self in them.  The Unconditioned Self is known by many different labels (Taoists call it the Uncarved Block, Hindus refer to eternal bliss consciousness and Christians refer to Original Innocence among others) but essentially the unconditioned self is the essence of YOU before the world and the ego got in the way.  It’s the memory of God that you forget about as you grow older and life batters and bruises you.  We can learn much from the unadulterated essences of children.


For years I felt like there was something missing in my make-up somewhere, like a chapter in a novel was missing and therefore felt incomplete and inadequate.  As a result I searched relentlessly to find happiness in my career, in friends, in relationships but it was doomed to fail.  It occurred to me this morning that this feeling of lack led me on a wild goose chase searching somewhere else for happiness.  I overlooked what was here when I was chasing after there.  I never seemed to find it because it was like an ever-elusive missing piece of a puzzle.  The core of the problem is the perception that the source of happiness is external to you.  This one misperception and fear breeds feelings of unworthiness, lack and misery.  The earth moved for me when I realised that I am happiest when I am painting, drawing or singing – creating something.  The shift occurred when I realised that what was giving me joy was already inside me.  Universal joy is in your heart and soul already.   You are sacred ground.  You do not need a pilgrimage to some holy site to find redemption and the secret of fulfillment. Your heart is the most sacred site in the world.  You are what you have been searching for so desperately.  As long as you think there is something wrong with you, your life will manifest this belief.

We have all suffered great pain, heartache, disillusionment, betrayal and devastation but the key is to remember that experiences are not analogous to identity. Perhaps this is why Buddhists will rather say, you are “with fear” instead of saying “you are afraid” – the fear is not who you are.  Attachment to such emotions is the source of suffering.  Whatever you choose to identify with, you will attract more of.  I don’t think problems are fixed, we have to outgrow them and let go of them.  In essence I realised that what is wrong with the world is what is wrong in me.  Your world changes when you do.  We are raised to believe that we live in a world when really the world lives in you. 

We are raised to believe that time and reality is this entity that exists independently of us – something separate from us, but perhaps the argument for a biocentric universe has a point.  If so, then your mind can really move mountains.  For years I subconsciously accepted that the world was pretty much a deterministic place and I responded as a conditioned reflex… not much different from Pavlov’s dogs, is it?  How many of us are walking around with conditioned responses?  When the world (or your career or relationship or whatever it may be) rings, do you drool?

When I discovered what Cognitive Psychology was about, I thought that the world was a world of choice.  The Cognitive School of Psychology believe that your life is what your thoughts make it.  It is still limited because we are still defined as an effect (albeit with choice) of the world when in fact you ARE the world.

Perhaps the world is more of a mirror – a projection of your mind.  This is synchronous with tenets of quantum physics and the Uncertainty Principle.  For years physicists and scientists continued to construct models based on the assumption of a separate universe “out there” into which we have each individually been born.  They presume the existence of one essential reality which prevails independently of us.  But, quantum physics experiments have shown the opposite.  Results (and what is manifested)do depend on whether someone is observing.  This is particularly clear in the well known two slit experiment which shows when a subatomic particle or a bit of light passes through the slits, the particle behaves like a bullet passing through one hole or the other if it is being observed or measured, but if no one is observing the particle, it exhibits the properties of a wave that can inhabit all possibilities – including passing through both holes simultaneously.  When I read about it, I thought it is pretty much like a toddler (and some men!) who only behave when you are looking… But I digress… Perhaps this is where we jinx our romantic relationships... When we try to "measure" the bond or commitment by our expectations, we manifest insecurity.

In the biocentric paradigm, consciousness creates the universe.  In other words, the universe is created by life not the other way around.  Essentially you are the process not the part of the process that you control.  Reality involves your consciousness. All experiences are bits of information that occur in your mind.  We use space and time to make sense of it – they are creations of the mind, not absolute external entities.  Science hasn’t confronted the one thing that is most familiar and most mysterious – consciousness.  The old Newtonian way of thinking assumes the universe to be a lifeless collection of particles which was behaving in a semi-predicable way.  Science is pretty good at figuring out and explaining how the parts work, but the big picture remains a problem.  Science cannot explain how consciouness arrives from matter.

In other words, consciousness is the matrix on which the cosmos hinges. Colour, sound, temperature and such only exist as perceptions in our heads, not as absolute essences.
I think Hawking may be right in believing that the universe may not have had a unique beginning - that its initial conditions existed in quantum superposition, just like the electrons of an atom's electron cloud. In other words, the initial conditions were not fixed and singular, assigned either by God or by Chance. Instead they are relevant only in relation to today's universe in which physicists calculate them from working backward from the present conditions that we do observe. I think there is value in interpreting empirical science through a metaphysical lens.

Happiness is not a destination or an external entity to be found. Instead, its about embracing the superposition of the unconditioned self and seeing the beauty and treasure within your own soul. Believe in your own worth and your worthiness will show through your eyes. That should be your pilgrimage - to the sacred grounds and swamplands od your own soul.

 

The Soul Alchemist & an Updated YOU

I have been getting increasingly annoyed with technology recently.  I am forever getting notifications (usually at the least convenient time) that an updated version of whatever the software application I happen to be using at that point in time, is ready for an update download.  This morning, in the middle of a document, I had to shut down and restart my computer because of one of these updates.  After uttering a few colourful words, I sat back impatiently and waited for it to restart.  It was then that I had a moment of insight and had to suppress a smile.  Isn’t it funny how some things in life just seem to happen at the right moment and convey a message that you really need to hear?

Just like a computer system sometimes needs maintenance and a reset so to speak, so do we.  Sometimes, we also need to shut down, to download a newer version of ourselves and restart on a clean page.  Sometimes it is a good thing that all the previous data have been lost – it means that you have to start on a clean slate with a new updated perspective so to speak.

Come to think of it, in my experience it is at those times when we feel “stuck” or in a rut of sorts it is a symptom of a bigger transformation that is underway behind the scenes?  From times when I have felt “stuck” and unsure of the next step, I have learnt to accept that sometimes it is ok to feel stuck and that it’s often a symptom and a herald of some change.  For the caterpillar to transform and become a butterfly, it needs to spend time in the crucible of change where it feels painfully stuck.  The more I think about it the more it makes sense.  

A transformative process always seems to need some form of containment.  A chrysalis facilitates and protects this miraculous process of transformation.  The same is true for an egg and a womb.  Transformation requires confinement and containment where the totality of the system surrenders to the process without interference. 

So when something appears to be inescapable – that is the moment when the process of change begins.  In emotional terms, over the last few months, my caterpillar soul looked in the mirror and saw what it could no longer be.  But to melt and shed the previous form it needed to produce huge intensity, energy and internal heat.  The chrysalis is a mirror of change and I had to be inside the experience for as long as was necessary.  To use it, to listen in and discover a newer updated version of me.

I love my coffee… But I don’t get to see the hands that harvested the beans, packed them, shipped them to Australia and often not even when the barista is making the brew.  The invisible work is the essence of change and transformation.  The old me was shedding its form – that was the outward visible part but the invisible part was the new version of me that was being formed in silence.    I have had to clear the deck and scrub everything down, discard what was not worthwhile any longer – to forgive, to heal and to make peace.  It’s a dimensional shift that is required.  Like the software that was outdated and no longer functional, feeling stuck is an entry point for a dimensional shift. 

Astronomers have also had to rethink their views somewhat – it is only recently that we have been able to see into a black hole instead of just seeing space.  The black hole of a crisis is the moment just before the breakthrough – but the brilliance that awaits you on the other side is only accessible if you embrace your chrysalis moment and the crucible of change.  If you can do that, you will find the dimensional shift and see how the black hole in your universe curves into new possibilities.  But finding new possibilities requires uncertainty, intense volatility and transformation.  It means getting up and reconnecting to the line of your life and endeavours – joining it to where is has moved to now – not where you left it.  It requires some robustness and capacity for spontaneous recovery. 

I also realised that we lose our sense of reverence too quickly.  Just think about relationships – how a new relationship can inspire you and make your spirits soar… Have  I lost my capacity for reverence?  Can I embrace life with a spirit of excitement for the unknown?  Perhaps failures are directly related to a loss of reverence.  Life demands reinvention, chutzpah, resilience and heaps of optimism.  

There is so much darkness in the world.  Just look up at night – the majority of the night canvas is darkness with pinpricks of light.  There is light and there is hidden light – what scientists call dark matter.  Like the stars, we are engulfed by darkness – a void that has not been illuminated.  The more I think about life and my place in it – it seems that our task here is to claim the dark void, to fill it and release the hidden light.   When you meet a stranger – the space between you is pretty much a void.  Once you have started conversation – you will share your worlds – and find common ground.  In this process you are creating streaks of light between you.  

The conversation and interaction transports you to a different place and time and you find yourself on the edge of discoveries, creating new possibilities.  It is inside the void and in the interaction, that hidden light is released from its concealment and you co-create your universe together.  That is why I believe giving your presence to someone is the greatest thing you can give.  Offering your full attention and offering your vulnerability is the greatest form of generosity.  Giving your mindful presence is the greatest gift you can give to anyone.  This is what lifts the conversation from the mundane to the sacred.

My mind has been buzzing today and I guess I tend to kaleidoscope too much.  I try to see patterns and synchrony in life and between seemingly unrelated things.  In the process I try to apply concepts and principles cross field – not always successfully I might add.  I do this to try to discover new meanings in new connections and combinations and to learn to anticipate what is newly emerging.  It’s my version of connecting the dots to find constellations where some will only see random stars.  For me life is about finding meaning, not a search for happiness which the world seems to think is symmetrical.

Symmetry is a distortion invented by Newton.  There is similarity and likeness but not symmetry. The Newtonian obsession with symmetry expects action and reaction to be symmetrically opposite and equal.  There is no symmetry in relationships or anything connected with human beings.  Reciprocity is certainly not symmetrical.  How can it when we are all so unique?  Why do we always insist on expecting symmetry?   It’s the difference between equity and equitability.  Equal by definition is not equitable.  Karl Marx didn’t get this.  Nothing in this world is equal.  This is a very much differentiated universe.  Everything is unique.   I wish the world would understand if anything is meant to be equal it should be equal to itself.  I am unique because I bring a unique presence to the world – the same applies to you.

Reciprocity means that each is working to help the other meet his/her needs.  Need are by nature, seldom symmetrical and therefore neither is their fulfilment.  Giving yourself or your love should be because you feel compelled to, because it gives meaning to you and a sense of purpose.  It is not a conditional commitment of symmetrical returns.

I took an emotional sabbatical the last few months – a retreat from the world and relationships to find that containment to grow.  I think we are all engaged in an alchemical process.  Alchemy was not about turning lead into gold as some would believe.  I read recently that it was about transforming base matter by liberating the inherent essence or the meaning in it.  Transmutation implied looking within – looking at what the substance is to discover what its meaning and nature are.  The true alchemist in the middle ages was after discovering the valuable essence of whatever base substance he was working with.  In life, I believe, we have to be Soul Alchemists – to explore the depths of our souls and to discover our uniqueness - our soul's gold – that which defines you and sets you apart from others. That is the penultimate vocation in life - to take time out when you're battered and bruised to find that special magic in yourself and transform what you thought to be pure lead into solid gold.  Sometimes, you only see lead in yourself because that is what you have been conditioned to believe, or perhaps the possibility of having some "gold" inside of you seems too far fetched and unrealistic?

This brings to mind the passage in Coelho’s The Alchemist:

“This is why alchemy exists,” the boy said.  “So that everyone will search for his treasure, find it, and then want to be better than he was in his former life.  Lead will play a role until the world has no more use for lead; and then lead will have to turn itself into gold.  That’s what alchemists do.  They show that, when we strive to become better than we are, everything around us becomes better too.”

The updated version - A happier me :0)

You are exactly where you are supposed to be.  It is up to you to transform yourself - no-one else can do it for you.  You have to do the work.  You have to have the meltdown before you can break the chrysalis and turn your lead into gold.  Claim the void.  Shine your light, be reverent.  Shut down.  Turn it off.  Download the latent updated you. Give yourself permission to be new and embrace the innocence of hope. The only “perfect” is what IS.  “Should” is a chimera of the mind.  Life is too short for shoulds.  Truth can hurt but it can also liberate the butterfly from the chrysalis.  Enjoy the mandate of being alive and having the power of choice. Thank God for the power of renewal.

Message to inner self…. Download complete and Update installed. Live it dammit!

Hannibal's Elephants, Dynamic Systems Theory and other Junk in my Trunk!

I am becoming whole - there is less baggage now! 

“Oh dear God, please, please just give me a sign!!” – after uttering these words in exasperation last night in the silence of the car on my way home, I found myself waiting – I’m not sure for what exactly.   I wasn’t waiting for a flashing neon sign to appear in the road ahead, to be struck by lightning or anticipating a booming voice to hand down some divine guidance. I sat there and felt the weight of the words in the  darkness of the car as I watched the rain and it occurred to me that we often ask for some sort of sign or metaphor to guide us but I wonder how often we miss the subtle signs and intuitive cues that present themselves to us every day.

How often does it happen that we miss them because we are looking for a shooting star to appear or waiting to be struck by lightning instead?  It is often in the mundane settings  and everyday activities of life that the most powerful insights can emerge.  In a sense the mundane becomes a vehicle for the sacred. But this only happens if we look inwards instead of upwards and outwards, waiting for something dramatic or wonderful to happen to alter the course of our lives.

It comes down to resonance.  You will instinctively know, if something touches you.  If you feel the tuning fork of your soul respond then you will know that there is something in it that speaks to something inside.  The metaphor of an archaeologist sprang to mind.  A bleary eyed, sunburnt dusty individual sifting through debris of hundreds of years until one small shard of pottery or flint resonates within them and opens the doors to discovery.  I think we are all archaeologists or prospectors of sorts. Isn’t that also true about our inner journey?  Are we not all sifting through the years and years of emotional debris and clutter to find a shard of something that is worth retaining?  The difficulty lies in knowing which shards to carry in our backpacks and which ones to discard.  I guess the key lies in resonance – if it is OF you or FOR you, you will feel your soul’s tuning fork answering and resounding in your heart because an element of  it has always been there archetypically and is responding to it.  The funny thing is that you cannot force resonance – it just happens.  It’s something that happens naturally, like the smile that some things or people always bring to your face.  It’s the resounding of your inner truth, when you find it or it finds you.  I guess some people think of the law of attraction here, but this is not it.  In terms of the law of attraction, you are trying to attract something which you do not have into your life.  Resonance, on the other hand, is an echo or ping on the radar of something that is already there, submerged in your soul.

At this stage of my life I am the archaeologist, sitting among the ruins and debris, sifting through all the bits, examining each piece of the jigsaw puzzle of my life, and either discarding it or dusting it and wrapping it in canvas, and putting it away for safe keeping.  I have not written for some time because I have had to take a significant step back and inward, evaluate who and what I am, where I am headed and who and what I want in life. 

Someone very close to me told me recently that I have “changed” somehow, that there is a hardness or an edge to me.  I construed it to be criticism at the time, but I think the hard edge is a protective measure, it’s not necessarily a bad thing.  I think it is important to toughen up – I have had to in the last few years – to try an prevent myself from bruising so easily.  I think that has been part of the growth process for me – letting go of my assumptions about how the world and the universe works and dealing with the emotional fall-out of the disillusionment born from my own naivety.   I think in our innocence we all assume that there is some mystical element of reciprocity at work in the universe.  But I have come to realise that I have been naïve – just because you do the best you can, and try to be a good person, it doesn’t mean that you will not find yourself like Job at any point in your life.  Shit happens to good people.   Similarly, just because you love someone with everything you possibly have to give, it doesn’t mean they will reciprocate. We cannot always control the course of events.  I think in the last few years, those illusions I had have been completely shattered and the main growth point that comes from it is that you are humbled because you realise that you cannot control everything.  On a personal level, I think I have had to let go of being a victim.  Growing up means taking responsibility for how you deal with what happens since you cannot control the events themselves.  I have come to realise that life is not necessarily a “problem to be solved” but rather a dance with a rhythm and steps that keep changing and becoming more and more intricate – kind of like Dynamic Systems Theory and the notion of complete interconnectedness.

Dynamic Systems Theory (DST) has been a fascinating read especially in terms of the application to language acquisition, but I see a deeper personal application value too.  DST is a branch of Mathematics which was originally about very simple systems such as the two coupled variables in a double pendulum.  Even though the system has only two interacting variables or degrees of freedom, the trajectory of the system is very complex.  When one applies this to a system that is inherently complex, where innumerable variables may have degrees of freedom, DST becomes the science of dynamic systems.  The calculations involved in DST is rather complex, but we don’t need to do the math to understand the principles behind it.  A dynamic system is characterised by what is called “complete interconnectedness” – in other words, where all variables are inter-related and changes in one variable will impact on all others that form part of it.  The point is that in a complex system, changes over time cannot necessarily be calculated or predicted exactly because the variables keep changing.  When mulling over this way past midnight recently, I thought this was rather analogous to life.  Little pebbles that are thrown into the pond at an early age sometimes lead to devastating tsunamis down the line.  You have no idea how significant the ramifications will be when you ignore you inner voice and move in the opposite direction.

Dynamic systems are also nested in the sense that every system is always part of another system.  When I read this I had a real A-HA! moment – I have always speculated about some sort of interconnectedness between things in life.  The same dynamic principles operate at all levels.  The interesting part is that sub-systems tend to develop so-called “attractor states” over time which are preferred but not necessarily predictable.  Scholars like De Bot, Lowie and Verspoor explain it as “the two different ways horses may run:  they either trot or gallop, but there seems to be no in between way of running”.  I wonder if we don’t operate like this on a sub-conscious  level too – although we all espouse to believe in shades of grey – I think all too often in life things are either really black or white – especially in emotional terms.  It is either something that makes you feel good and happy, or it isn’t;  it serves you or it doesn’t;  you are either committed or you aren’t  - you are either true to yourself or you aren’t.  The bugger is that we often tend to convince ourselves that there is an in-between twilight dimension which is in most cases just a way of justifying our self-defeating actions to ourselves.

If life and growth is a dance, we aim for interactional synchrony, that seamless understanding between partners that are attuned to the interactional process.  There are times when we step on each other’s toes or miss the beat, moments of a-synchrony.  But as DST follows, co-regulated interaction – mutually constructing meaning by finding the beat again, leads to the emergence of creative communicative behaviours in the context.  It is often exactly when you have stepped on each other’s toes, and have to stop for a moment before you find the rhythm again, that you find your authentic self – that ping on your soul’s radar. From my understanding, DST and pretty much life as I have found it, is about engagement and disengagement, synchrony and discord, breakdown and repair and all the bleeding, panting, teary, exhilirating and sweaty bits that go with it.

There are so many aspects of DST that I can apply to life as we live it, but one in particular struck me.  While reading research on grammatical development, I stumbled across Van Geert’s precursor model.  Basically, in a precursor model there are two variables, a predecessor and a successor.  Growth in the successor is initially suppressed by growth in the predecessor, which is a form of competition, until a threshold is reached.  After this, growth in both variables shares any of the logically possible relations defined by competition and support.  If one applies this to life – the present growth level depends on the previous growth level plus the interaction between that level and the resources available at that point. This is supported by the idea that life is always in some sort of flux.  Change is the only constant.  Like a dynamic system, we are in constant complex interaction with our environment and internal resources.  This produces what is referred to as self-organized equilibrium points, whose form and stability depend on the system’s constraints. 

In other words, life is going to get more and more complex as you go along, but the good news is that you will instinctively know when something resonates within you – when your inner tuning fork responds, to guide you to take “time out” to find your equilibrium again.  It seems to be a bit Darwinian to me – as a constant series of make-do solutions that work, given my abilities, inner capacity for it, goals and personal history – those bits of flint and shards of pottery that make up the inner archetypes.

We all seem to think that life is linear and that personal growth follows some predictable linear curve – I am beginning to thing that it is a lot more chaotic than the seemingly ordered sequence we think it to be.  But ironically – the chaos is part of the process.  I think the chaos itself is some sort of mystical alembic for creativity and dynamic tension.  This hard edge or edge of chaos, is a paradoxical state – a spinning top spiralling between order and chaos, a humming oscillation between these extremes demanding risk, exploration and experimentation. 

I have realised that I cannot find any relationship more evolved than the level of development I bring to it myself.    Life and living true to your Self – or living authentically – isn’t a gift.  It is a continuing struggle – a journey.  It takes a lot of pain and effort and a lot of digging and soul searching through years of debris to find that magical healing place and inner acceptance.  

Someone I love dearly asked me recently if I am authentic and if I really know how to enjoy life and have fun.  Aside from the implicit criticism and the hurt I felt at the time it seems to me that authenticity is not the same as simply “doing” something.  To “be” and to “do” are two different verbs. Your doing follows directly from your being.  I may force myself to “do” differently, but the inevitable dissonance will never bring happiness.  I think we should avoid making the same mistake Hannibal of Carthage made.  If we have flawed assumptions on which we base our actions and build our lives, the effects can be devastating.  Hannibal’s advisors convinced him that elephants were the perfect war animal but never told him that elephants will get spooked during battle and trample anything and anyone in their  path.  Hannibal disregarded counter advice and stubbornly clung to the initial advice and lost many men.  Our false assumptions undermine us like Hannibal’s elephants.  They get stuck in our own minds and we seem unable to get past them, even when they are trampling everyone and everything that is dear to us.  I have lived with the assumption that I am inherently unlovable for many years and have tried to compensate and earn love as a result through academic excellence, hard work, and trying to prove my value and that I deserve a place in the sun.  The more I succumbed to the pressure of being the ideal person – the more I was invalidating who I really am and affirming that I am inadequate as I am.  I have mentioned before that imperfection seems to be the desirable thing – it is precisely for my imperfections that I want to be loved.  

In my silence the last few months ,I have grown to understand that I do not need to be loved – not at the expense of my sense of Self.  I have grown to understand that everyone will eventually leave me – we are all in this on our own so it makes a lot more sense to learn to love who I am rather than try to meet someone else’s notion of who I ought to be.  I have taken a very hard look at life and at my self in the last few months and have taken some radical steps to clear away all the clutter.  

Aside from a radical physical transformation, I have been clearing the emotional debris too.  I am assessing all relationships in my life and discarding those which undermine my sense of self.  I have literally been getting rid of the junk in my trunk.  I have closed some doors, burned some bridges and cleared my space.   I drove past this banner at a construction site recently.  I felt the ping on my radar.  It is so apt.  It made my day, and I am choosing to believe that it is the one sign I have been looking for.  It just fits and my heart resonated with it completely.  

I have been stripping away all the non-essential bits and pieces to attain the gift of individuation. The gift is only attained from living a mindful journey, hearing the summons of your inner tuning fork – a heart resonance … I am happy at last. I can write my own story with wide eyed excitement for what the next chapter holds.  I just know it will be beautiful.  

Audio Corner

Hi Everyone

I have finally figured out how to upload my recordings. Check out the Audio Corner in the navigation bar on the right.

See an example below. This is a fairly accurate indicator of my mood today. I have always loved this song from Andrew Lloyd Webber's Cats. I had so much fun recording this one.

Hope you enjoy.

X

02 Memory by CornflowerBlue

I wonder where this little one went.... Today, I wish I could go back to the blonde little girl I was sooooo many years ago. Maybe I don't stop long enough to smell the flowers anymore.

Sex Kitten, Bitch, Alley cat, Hound or Puppy Dog? Which are you?

We recently said farewell to a teacher at the college and when I said my thankyou’s and goodbyes, I confessed my not-so-politically-correct-tendency of associating people I meet with objects or animals. It is not a conscious process – these associations just seem to happen automatically.

Usually, when I meet someone for the first time, there is a quality or trait about the new acquaintance which emerges and automatically converts into a visual metaphor in my mind.

The lovely lady in question here, I associated with a chilli pepper. She struck me as quite sassy and fiery. I got the distinct impression from our first encounter that there is much more to her than meets the eye. It was a very positive association for me and turned out to be very true. She was a firecracker and spiced things up somewhat, and she will be sorely missed.

But I digress… I’m pretty sure we have all assumed that we are either a “dog person” or a “cat person”… usually when it comes to pet preferences. But the analogy runs a bit deeper than that… I think there are very strong anthro-zoological archetypes in relationships. I just can’t seem to decide which is which, especially when it comes to relationships with men and women. I’m wondering whether or not we shapeshift between different archetypes. Perhaps that is the answer…

This is a bit tongue-in-cheek but I genuinely do associate people with animals more frequently than anything else. In some cases, I can even specify the breed of dog or cat in question. There is the Cocker Spaniel guy - you just want to fluff his hair and touch him whenever you see him. He is irresistible and openly affectionate. You ALWAYS know when he is happy to see you – sometimes he wags his tail so hard that it can knock you off balance. These guys are playful with boyish charm. He is honest, (well, most of the time…) He won’t voice “harmless little lies” or tell you he has been somewhere when he hasn’t. He will forget your birthday and your anniversary, not because he is being spiteful, but simply because he is incapable of doing so. But, when there is a celebration, he will join in enthusiastically. Should you ever catch him doing something wrong, he will look very guilty and plead for forgiveness with such sad puppy dog eyes that you feel a natural compulsion to reach down and pat him on the head. It is very difficult to hold a grudge against a Spaniel.

The Staffordshire Terrier guy – he is territorial and cocky. He likes to strut around and look strong. He will mark his territory whenever there is another hound in sight – as a matter of principle. He is not as intimidating as the Rottweiler, the big aggressive but loyal dog. Some men are like that. Then there are the Labrador types who are not as protective of you, but they are very loving and loyal. Then there is the Small-Man-Syndrome Chihuahua type – they bark neurotically, are cheeky, obnoxious and try to over-compensate for their small stature. Of course, I have met a few Pitt Bulls too – they are just mean but if you are in control, they will do whatever you ask which is not necessarily a good thing.

However, some men who start out as Spaniels tend to shape shift into a Siamese cat after a while. I have had a Spaniel-Siamese encounter. They are notoriously unpredictable, independent and difficult to read. Like a Siamese, they will rub up against you one day, and the next will act like they have no idea who on earth you are. The invariably have their own agenda and it may not necessarily include you. These are the guys who disappear from the radar for days on end and then suddenly reappear at your doorstep as if nothing happened. The most annoying thing about them is that the moment you are ready to banish them forever, they do something really cute which disarms you. These guys are like difficult pets – they are impossible to “train”. You can tell them umpteen times not to drink from the tap and to leave the fish in the fishbowl, and you will get an appearance of obedience. However, as soon as you leave the room, they will do exactly the opposite – because they can. They like to watch things move and like to play. These are the guys who will show no interest for days on end like a cat with a piece of string…. If the string lies there and is available, they will sit there and groom themselves or fain boredom. However, watch the curious intensity of a Siamese if the string is moved. Then you have their undivided attention. Then again, some of these Spaniel Siamese are just alley cats who will hump anything in sight for the hell of it!

However, just as some of these adorable Spaniels shape shift into Siamese cats, I must concur that some women deserve the feline adjectives attributed to them. There are some women who are prone to “catty” behaviour, some are just cougars on the prowl (present company excluded!), while others are purring sex kittens. I’m sure you have met them all. The problem lies in knowing which role to assume when – are you a puppy dog when he is a Siamese or are you the Siamese when he is the Spaniel??

My recent experiences with men seem to indicate that men tend to respect the cats more. A cat is independent and kind of bitchy at times. It is an accomplishment if you have managed to win the affections of a cat. I reckon cats have a wonderful sense of discretion… they endure the company of dogs until it becomes insufferably boring and not a moment longer. They make no bones about their boredom. In fact, I don’t think cats are capable of faking - well - pretty much anything.

One of the things I admire most about cats, is their ability to move objects with their eyes. A cat can stare at a door with such incredible force that any human within a 3 mile radius will arrive and magically open the door to let it out. Dogs on the other hand, dislike being stared at. Most men dislike silent treatment. Once the cat has mastered the stop and stare technique, no dog is safe. Ask any man who has been given the look…

I don’t think cats are unpleasant… they are merely disinterested at times. Heaven knows I have been at times. On the other hand, it is not hard to understand why men refer to some women as sex kittens… stroke a purring cat and you know why. Cats are very sensual and tactile. If you treat a cat right, she will stretch herself out, purr and leave you in no doubt whatsoever that she appreciates the attention. On the other hand, I think I have been too much of a puppy when it comes to men. You always know where you stand with a puppy. If a puppy likes you, you know it. It seems to me that most men, even the Spaniels, prefer the cats… They like the chase. They are fascinated when the string moves especially if another dog or cat is interested.

So which am I? I think my Spaniel is shapeshifting into a Siamese at the moment. Every time I think I should switch to the dog type I lose. The puppy dog is always outsmarted by the cat, no matter how endearing the puppy may be. If only I could stop wagging my tail!

Da Vinci & the Imperfectly Perfect Me

One of my favourite things about living in Sydney is that I get to commute by train instead of sitting in traffic on the highway between Pretoria and Johannesburg.  Aside from falling asleep on the shoulder of a handsome random stranger now and then (yes, I have!!), it allows me time to think and wake up gradually before I tackle my day. 

This morning, my mind wandered to the time I spent in Florence a few years ago on my “Shirley Valentine Trip” to Europe after my marriage ended. It was probably one of the most defining and empowering emotional journeys I have ever undertaken.  For many years prior to that, I was desperate to visit Europe so that I could see and explore the buildings and cathedrals and admire the art I had studied as an undergraduate student in History of Art – my additional major.   Florence is the ultimate Renaissance city and the Quattrocento is my favourite period of the Renaissance. 

At the time, there was a fascinating exhibition of Leonardo da Vinci’s work which I visited more than once. He was a painter, a sculptor, an architect, a mathematician, a mechanic, an astronomer, an anatomist, physiologist, botanist, geologist, physician, a philosopher, a musician and a writer. I remember seeing the Mona Lisa in Paris for the first time a few days later and marvelled at how it continues to inspire so many people today but found it ironic that Da Vinci was not satisfied with this masterpiece and considered it incomplete.  

I recall reading that he started painting the Mona Lisa in 1503 in Florence and laboured over it for 16 years before he finally sold it shortly before his death in 1519.  In fact, in his notebooks, he lamented this dilemma and asked “Tell me, tell me, has one ever finished anything?”  Isn’t it ironic, that Leonardo Da Vinci, probably one of the greatest minds of all time, felt inferior at times? Surely after 16 years of labouring on this painting, he would have perfected it?  Does practise really make perfect? 

I think there is a bit of Da Vinci’s dutiful perfectionism in all of us.  It occurred to me that a lot of my stress stems from guilt-driven “demandingness”.  In a sense I guess there is an inherent moral principle ingrained in me that compels me to feel guilty if I do not demand perfection of myself.  How many of us feel that we may not fail because if we do, then we are somehow a lesser person?  It is almost as if there is a compulsion or a moral obligation to strive for perfection. 

It is a sobering thought that I worry and beat myself up emotionally out of a misplaced sense of guilt.  There is this internal conditioning that plays in the background which says I have to be the perfect mom, I must not let bad things happen, I must always maintain control….  Failure to comply with these self-imposed imperatives leaves me feeling guilty and I realise that sub-consciously I condemn myself for being less than perfect.  This in turn leads to stress and worry and feelings of self-recrimination.  I think that is true for many women I know….

Sometimes we tend to measure ourselves against almost unattainable standards of perfection imposed by others. But as I realized in recent years and months especially, the plumbline of perfection which is set by others is an ever-changing, ever-shifting measure which becomes almost impossible to follow and ironically one which these individuals do not apply to themselves.  For too long I have attempted to shape-shift my being and evolve to the measure and pace set by someone else.  It is an impossible feat to shape-shift my soul to meet someone else’s obscure notions of perfection which seem impossible to pin down and delineate exactly. It is very difficult when there is a double standard or the goal post keeps shifting. This begs the question of whether perfection is ultimately desirable? 

I am beginning to think that imperfection is more desirable because intrinsic to imperfection is a measure of freedom.  William James contended that  "Freedom in a world already perfect could only mean freedom to be worse, and who could be so insane as to wish that?...Surely the only possibility  that one can rationally claim is the possibility that things may be better."  Therefore, in a so-called perfect universe, the positive will already have been achieved.  In an imperfect reality, we have a chance to make things better and to effect some positive change.  So perhaps the key is not to strive for perfection but to strive to make things better than they are. 

I for one, need imperfection.  I need to see opportunities to better the world, to attempt to break new grounds of excellence.  I need to have the space and the freedom to recognize that what I have done is not necessarily perfect, and may be flawed.  But the flaws and imperfect bits are where I can grow and it is precisely those flaws which make me who I am.

Da Vinci attempted to capture not only the body but the personality and soul of the subject.  He used “sfumato” and “chiaroscuro” to do this.   Chiaroscuro (“light-dark”) is a painting technique which is characterized by using contrasts between light and dark, usually bold contrasts affecting a whole composition. It is also a technical term used by artists and art historians for using contrasts of light to achieve a sense of volume in modelling three-dimensional objects such as the human body.  By using chiaroscuro, Da Vinci accentuated the mysteries of the work and he believed that “plunging things into light is plunging them into the infinite".  Rembrandt was also famous for his use of chiaroscuro.  And although it is beautiful in itself, the style seems to communicate light from darkness, truth from lies and life from death.  It gives a fullness to the reality.

I think on a metaphorical level, we should aim to live life in chiaroscuro.  I need to learn to embrace the light and dark in my soul – it is what gives me dimensionality, roundness and fullness of being.   

Today, I realized again that too often I allow my self-confidence to take a battering because I face up to my flaws severely and frequently.  Too often I allow it to become my main source of concern.  I tend to focus too much on what I am not instead of seeing some of the gifts and blessings I do have.  I am no Rembrandt, but I paint and sketch and sometimes my sketches are less than perfect.  I tinker on the piano, strum a guitar and caress a violin and I do sing, admittedly not too badly but I do not proclaim to be a songbird of note.  Admittedly, I am not a perfect specimen – far from it. I may not be a self-proclaimed solipsistic guru of wisdom or a concert pianist nor do I assume to have all the knowledge and experience to presume to tell others how to lead their lives or insinuate some self-devised psycho-babble bullshit to be infinite truths.   I am simply a mother, an earthly woman, a career woman, an academic and yes

I am very much an imperfect specimen.  

But I am perfect in my imperfection. 
There is only one of  me.

I have become very good at subjecting myself to a rigorous examination of  my short-comings and defects and especially those which have been highlighted by someone else’s measure of perfection. Despite the flaws and the dark bits, I have light in me - I have many gifts and blessings in my life.  I realized again today, how often the very yardstick against which I have measured myself is inherently flawed and egocentric to someone else’s notion of who and what I ought to be.

I have been mulling over this all day.  Like Da Vinci who agonised over his paintings and sketches, I realised that I am too sensitive to the value judgements of others and too harsh in my sense of self-recrimination for being imperfect – a human being.  I guess too often I have considered these value judgements to be valid because I have not trusted my inner sense of knowing and value and elevated some individuals to a status which allows them to pass judgement on me. 

As Da Vinci may have discovered at the end of his life, perhaps practise doesn’t make perfect at all.  And maybe that is a good thing because it means there is always room for improvement.  Perhaps Da Vinci had a point when he said that perfection is not attained when there is nothing left to add, but rather when there is nothing left to take away.  It’s about distilling my sense of self to my essence – to that core of what it is that defines me.  Perhaps it is about stripping away all the superficial layers to reach the heart.  That is what matters most.

I can only set my compass to my own True North.  It is the only definition that should matter. I need to embrace the light and darkness in me and to relinquish the obsessive desire for maintaining control at all times.  Sometimes, it is good to lose it a bit.  I guess Einstein had a point, when he said “In order to form an immaculate member of a flock of sheep, one must, above all be a sheep.” ….And damn it, I am no sheep.