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I got a TomTom GPS as a gift a year ago. I find it indispensible when driving in Sydney – especially in the city which seems to be a confounding maze at times. Unfortunately, there is no magical GPS in life – there is no Google map or directions on the road to self-discovery and self-actualisation. There are no directions which tell you which fork in the road will be more complicated down the line and which will be fraught with troubles and roadworks. There is no way of knowing which road to take to reach your destination sooner and which ones will end in a cul-de-sac. Too often, in the past I have found myself at extremely confusing intersections in my life or on an endless roundabout – going round and round in circles, uncertainly procrastinating, not knowing which exit to take when.
Sometimes, a U-turn is necessary even in the face of oncoming traffic even if it goes against the grain completely. At other times, a wrong turn or detour can lead to some new discoveries and life lessons which I would never have learnt if I hadn’t ventured there.
There have been times in my life when the light has been RED –a brightly lit warning – and I have wanted to throw caution to the wind with reckless abandon and run the red light. At other times, I have stood still at a green light because I was not ready to go or to move forward. I have lost my way at times but I have had wonderful people in my life who have helped to light the beacons on my journey. Some of those beacons will never be doused.
I have been mulling over this for a few weeks now – given that a new year seems to augur a new beginning with a hint of a promise of a new chapter in life. I have been hesitant to write down anything on the blank page until I knew what I had to say lest I jinx it somehow. I have taken time out from recent events to assess where I am right now – my internal GPS was searching for the satellite signal to find my co-ordinates. I figured, once I know where I am, I can figure out where to go.
Recent events and time has brought about a change in me. I have altered course and done a U-turn to find my way back to my centre – the unembellished essence of who I am and what I am. I am just a human being – a woman - flawed but one of a kind. Irrespective of others’ expectations, I am who I am and I have to live my life by my own compass. I am an idealist, sentimental and nostalgic at times. I have seen a lot, felt a lot and bled a lot in the last year. But I have taken measures to stop the bleeding and am trying to grow a thicker skin so that I don’t bruise so easily. My trust is something to be earned but I do believe in compassion, forgiveness and kindness. I will not let the world or individuals warp me bitter.
Reality can be an ugly concrete jungle at times. When a rainbow appeared after a storm recently, I concluded that reality is more like a hologram of consciousness which allows us to move through linear time and experience the full gamut of emotions in the hope of distilling our essence of being human. I reckon life is to be lived in metaphorical terms. The world around us is laced with metaphors to help us bridge the gap when our internal GPS fails. When you think about it, we are all just sparks of light and energy spiralling our consciousness into a physical form to learn our karmic lessons before we return to the pot of gold at the end of the rainbow in the alchemy of time. The harvest of what we learn is in the intangibles – a little bit of stardust – a portion of the rainbow we have clutched in our hands along the way.
So what lies over the rainbow or at the top of my Jacob’s Ladder? Do dreams come true when you get to Oz (no pun intended)? Rainbows are typically associated with redemption, hope and resilience. I’m hoping that 2011 will be a rainbow year after the devastation of 2010. For a long time I was walking in circles around the hole in the world which remained when he left and which I fell into it at night because I missed him so terribly. But finding the rainbow requires looking up at the sky and not down at gaping abyss in the pavement. It requires turning around and feeling the sun on your back. The turning point was discovering the core of strength within that survives all hurt - that stump of life that remains when you cut everything away.
It means letting go. It means that I don’t stop loving or caring but it means I can’t do it for someone else. It means realising that I cannot control another and admit powerlessness. I think it means trying to make the most of who I am and accepting that I must live my life by my own measure and not others’ expectations. Letting go is not about fixing things but about being supportive. I think it is about fearing less and loving more. I don’t think it means shutting down but it means I stop trying to force outcomes and make people behave in certain ways. It means releasing the resistance to the way things are, for the moment. It means to stop trying to do the impossible – controlling that which I cannot and focusing on the possible – which means taking care of myself with gentleness, kindness and love. I’m not sure, but this is what the needle on my compass seems to be saying. It’s about bouncing back. Like Dandelions.
In the most unwelcoming and harsh environments you will find Dandelions. In the cracks of pavements in the city, in fissures in the tarmac on the side of the road, next to railroad tracks, a Dandelion thrives where most plants don’t have a prayer. I think we should try to live with a Dandelion spirit.
They flourish in acid or alkaline soil, sunny places or shade, dry slopes or damp crevasses. It doesn’t seem to make a difference. They thrive in the most adverse condidtions and can teach us a lot about persistence and survival. There is a spirit of defiance in the Dandelion that I find endearing. In the dreary grey concrete of a pavement the cheery yellow flower of a Dandelion sprouts out in defiance against all odds. They are built to last. They are also very grounded. I hope I have a taproot as strong as that of a Dandelion so that I will be firmly grounded and not easily displaced. It survives terrible winters and many determined gardeners alike.
They also regenerate from their roots. I hope I am able to when I have been cut back to almost nothing. I hope that I will have roots like a Dandelion which will regenerate from scratch and grow anew. I hope that I have the resilience to come back and face the world with a bright sunshiny face after someone has run me over with a lawnmower or attacked me with the intention to destroy. I hope I can stretch my roots deep enough so that the strongest poison cannot reach my soul. In a world of criticism and judgement, I would prefer to see the flower in me when another sees only the weeds.
In this world where uncertainty reigns supreme – Dandelions seem tentatively certain. We can be assured that every year they will grow and thrive. I hope that some day I will have the courage of Dandelions – to thrive on adversity and to nod cheerfully in the spring breeze with my roots firmly planted in the lawn that was sprayed with Dandelion destroyer the day before. I hope to be more free spirited, brave, adventurous like they are. I hope that I too can bring healing and comfort to loved ones as Dandelions spread their seed. I pray that I will appreciate that the important moments in life are not on the calendar. They arrive at the door of my memory unannounced like stray dogs that ambled in to sniff around and simply never leave.
When I thought about what letting go really means, the image of blowing a Dandelion puffball sprang to mind. I remember how I used to love doing that as a child and I realise now how unwittingly I had spread Dandelions far and wide. The seeds released are a letting go and of starting something new. The letting go is a release without any care for where the seeds are heading and whether they will get a hospitable reception when they touch down. It is likely that many of these seeds will fall on hard unyielding ashphalt or concrete and will lie fallow for a long time. The important thing is that eventually, when spring does arrive, every crack in the pavement will have a Dandelion smiling up at the sky. I hope there is some of that Dandelion magic in me.
So, when I find a Dandelion puff ball again, I will blow it and attach a loving thought and a wish to each seed plume. I am not leaving you behind. I’m taking a part of you with me and I trust that I am leaving a part of me behind that may grow in years to come. Letting go, is another way of saying “I love you” without any expectations as I look up to the rainbow to see where my heart went to be healed.
