I am deeply disturbed by acts of violence – especially when they are perpetrated against women and defenceless children. Recently, I listened in horror to the account of the CBS journalist who was gang raped in Egypt and the self-righteous and misogynistic responses of some people in the media. She is a celebrity and the world has reacted in outrage. However, I am aware of another victim, someone’s mommy, wife, daughter and friend who has been brutalised too. While I do not know her personally, I am deeply moved by what has happened to her. I have been thinking of her and stand appalled at the devastation one person can cause in the soul and life of another with out a second thought.
So this blog is just a thought from one stranger on this side of the planet to a broken and shattered woman on the other side of the globe…
Dearest girlfriend
I do not know you and I cannot profess to begin to imagine the heartache you must be carrying inside of you right now. While I don’t know you and the details of your particular circumstances, I understand the spirit of a woman and it is with the deepest respect and compassion that I write this. I have been thinking of you and trying to put myself in your shoes. I am deeply disturbed by what has happened to you.
I have never been raped and that is only because I have been lucky, not because I am a better person than you or because of anything you did that I haven’t. Don’t allow this monster to take a way your righteous anger. If you feel that you have done something somehow to deserve what happened to you, you are allowing him to keep hurting you, even though he is absent. You were the victim – not the perpetrator. Too often, one hears that women try to find the fault within themselves for what happened to them and in a sense they assume the role of the perpetrator. You were in the wrong place at the wrong time and became the victim of a predator who uses sex to feel a sense of power over women which he obviously cannot get otherwise. He is a coward. Blaming yourself only empowers him.
I wonder if you feel guilty that you did not fight harder and wonder if you think that you had, it may not have happened? Please don’t. Fear can paralyse you and there is a huge difference between submission and consent. If you did not verbally express desire to have sex with this man, then you definitely did not consent to the act. Please do not confuse the two. In some cases submission without consent is the only way to save your life. You should not feel shame or guilt over being the victim. You have been brutalised and you definitely did not ask for it.
If it were me, I think I would feel deeply embarrassed as if everyone knew what had happened to me. I think it is natural – we feel violated in such an intimate way – that we unwittingly wear a badge of shame that is not ours to wear. Too often, I think we are too worried about what people may think or say about us. Please try to focus on yourself and your own healing. Please don’t pin his shame to your sleeve. It is not yours to wear.
I feel such rage at the devastation that such an act of violence can have on a woman and her family. There is no justification for what he has done. Please, please do not allow him to minimise your femininity and your beauty. Please channel your outrage and your anger outward – at him. Please do not inflict it on yourself or get trapped in the abyss of self-recriminations. You have so much to fight for. You are worthy. You are beautiful. You are a mom. You are a woman who has the right to say NO. What he did to you was deplorable and debased. But what happened was as a result of HIS actions and his choice – it is not a reflection on you or who you are. There is so much more to you than a woman who has been brutalised.
I so hope and pray that you will look in the mirror and see beauty, grace and dignity there. You are a survivor. You have survived many women’s worst nightmare. I pray that with time you will find the resilience you need to stand up and fight for your future. You did fight him – even if your cry was silent and your resistance futile. You did fight and you still are. You have not lost your dignity, he preyed on your vulnerability and your fear.
I pray that you will find the inner strength to get up each morning and face the world with pride. You ought to. You have conquered. You may be hurting but you have conquered. I wish for you so much love and understanding from those closest to you. I hope that you will have understanding silences because sometimes words become superfluous and obsolete. I pray that those closest to you will allow you the space and time to deal with your emotional trauma and not compound it by making you cope with theirs.
I hope that you are hugged when you need to be hugged and told that you are loved. I hope that you will again find a way to combat the fear and do the mundane things in life without looking over your shoulder. I hope that the eidetic memory will leave you soon, so that you are not haunted by the event and reliving it every night. I wish for you many nights’ peaceful rest in the loving embrace of your husband. I hope that your marriage and family will be your sanctuary. Allow them to care for you and love you. More than anything, I wish for you to find your inner voice and defy what this man has done to you and your loved ones. I pray for you to find a means to channel your heartache, rage and anger positively.
You are a beautiful and dignified woman and a mom whose children look up to her with love and appreciation. Focus on that. More than anything, I hope you will not allow this gutless non-entity of a man to keep violating your mind or to wreck your marriage. I wish for you good friends who will walk this path with you and be there for you in your darkest hours. Above all, please fight for your survival and your healing.
Please claim what is rightfully yours… your right to life, happiness and love.
Lots of love from Sydney
CornflowerBlue
x
No comments:
Post a Comment