The Angel in the Marble said "Sawubona"

"I saw an angel in the marble and I carved until I had set him free." - Michelangelo Bunarotti


I travel to work by train every morning.  While sipping my cappuccino this morning, I watched as strangers boarded the train and noticed a few  familiar faces.  Oddly enough, even though I smiled at the familiar faces, they did not acknowledge my silent greeting.  I was pondering this phenomenon of detachment when I recalled one of my first lessons in conversational Zulu.  I’m a child of Africa, hatched under the African sun and have always thought the Zulu greeting to be truly beautiful. When you greet someone in Zulu with “Sawubona”, it literally means  “I SEE you”. The appropriate response “Ngikhona”, translates into English as “I am here”. 

Intrinsic in this greeting is the notion that “until you saw me, I did not exist”.  By recognising and seeing each other, we come into existence.  This is echoed in the Zulu proverb, “Umuntu ngumuntu ngabanthu”  which means a person is a person because of other people.  This triggered thoughts about a recent conversation.  Sadly, I have felt unseen and unacknowledged by someone who is really very important to me.

As I listened to the criticism during a recent conversation, my heart was aching to hear the “Sawubona”  which would acknowledge me  - my wholeness somehow – somewhere between the lines, but I didn’t.  All the while my heart thumped “I am here.  I am here. I am here.”  I felt minimised and reduced to a few negative traits and flaws.  As the criticism was handed down, a part of me stopped dead in my tracks.  One of the blows hit a faultline that runs very deep – right down to my core and split me open, like the chisel of a sculptor splits a block of marble if it strikes a vein in the rock.  It split me open with the same stunned silence after a massive explosion.  It leaves you dazed for a few seconds.  It was in that silence that I heard her.  The angel in the marble.  She bellowed at me from my core – “I AM HERE!  I AM WHOLE! THERE IS SO MUCH MORE TO ME!  LOOK AT ME!!!”  I felt her roar in defiance and in anger which is generally pain that has become too much to handle. I felt her rise up and beat against the walls of my heart begging to be acknowledged.  I thought for a moment that I was not the only one who had heard her and feeling that defiance brought me to tears that flowed unabashedly down my face.  They were tears of extreme hurt and anger.  How is it that someone who claims to love you, can hurt you more deeply than any stranger ever could?  In the stunned silence the sobs subsided, I stopped fighting the hurt, and am not fighting to hold on anymore.  I felt my soul shudder like a child does after a bout of crying and looked inward.

I thought of Michelangelo’s words about his sculptures “I saw the angel in the marble and carved until I set him free” and I realized how profoundly true it was of this situation.  That day, I realized that there is indeed an angel trapped inside of me – in this humble block of marble there is more to me than you are seeing in front of you and she is screaming for release and to be acknowledged.  Michelangelo said that in each block of marble he could see the statue as plain as though it were standing before him.  All he had to do was liberate it from the rough marble walls imprisoning it so that he could reveal it to others.  What a wonderful man he must have been.  I so wish you could look deeper and see the angel in me.   Unacknowledged, pain can erode your soul from the inside out – like an incessant dripping wears away at the limestone to create a large vacuous cave inside.  It is from that cavernous hollow that the echo of despair and self-doubt becomes the background noise for every conscious moment.

Marble is an unforgiving medium – mistakes and damage cannot be undone except by changing the design.  A single blow made with the chisel angled incorrectly, can crack a block of marble. The same is true for a human spirit.  I am the marble – the primordial quantum soup of endless potential.  Just like the marble, I hold the form of every thought and as I intend or visualize, the angel in me is revealed.  I have heard her and now I am chipping away at the marble to free her.  I’m chipping away at the fear, worry, sadness, feelings of worthlessness, and unlovability so that the inner angel can emerge.

I realize that a very special person passed briefly through my life and that person was me.  I need to return to her.  I am only human and flawed but I am perfect as I am.  I have always endeavoured to be your most loyal friend, a caring person, someone you can count on, dependable, fun and loving.  I have always been a giver and have demanded little in return. But I realized, I have not been any of those things to myself.  I realize that I will need determination on this journey.  I have gathered my chisels and I have started chipping.  I have to stay on course, grip the wheel and keep at it.  

I will win this battle, one chip at a time and I will have cuts and bruises along the way.  I am not a master carver. I have been found wanting - rejected because the block of marble is substandard.  Isn’t it ironic though, that the block of marble Michelangelo used for the monumental David, was rejected by the quarry master as being flawed and unsuitable.  Michelangelo disagreed.  He took what others considered the consolation prize and discovered something truly beautiful because he was prepared to look deeper than the superficial reality. I only wish you would really SEE the wholeness of me.   

Perhaps someday, I will hear you say, “Sawubona” and I may or may not answer “Ngikhona”.