Aimee-Leigh is my first child. It was after she had had her first feed that I discovered her dimples – she had wind and suddenly smiled… and deep dimples appeared in both cheeks. It was the most beautiful smile in the world. It made me cry and I remember holding her tight and kissing her all the time. She still has the most beautiful smile in the world – the kind of smile that lights her up from within. She still lights up a room with her smile and I still want to hug her tight.
She is now a beautiful 16 year old girl and in her I see a world of possibilities. There are so many things I miss about her today. I miss the sleepy smile when she stumbles from her room in the morning with her tousled hair, the sound of her giggle, a good morning hug, listening to her squabble with her brother, the thumping music, watching her curl herself up on the couch like a lazy cat, hurrying her up to get ready for work on time, girl talk, shopping and of course her beaming dimpled smile.
I wish at times I could make her see what others see about her. I have watched her look at herself in the mirror and I would do anything to give her the gift of loving herself as much as I do. I would love for her to see her reflection and realise how beautiful and lucky she is to be exactly as she is. I don't ever want her to deprive herself of food, or to twist around and ask whether her bum looks big, to lie awake at night and promise herself that tomorrow she will start a diet. I want her to know that beauty sometimes makes you happy but happiness always makes you beautiful.
I want her to believe in herself and her dreams as I do. I want my girl to learn to listen to her heart and know that her future is determined by the decisions and choices she makes and not necessarily by the risks she may take along the way. I wish for her to allow mystery to have its place in her – not to be turning up every inch of her soul in rigid self-examination, but to leave a little fallow corner of her heart ready for any seed the winds may bring.
We are all broken and wounded in this world but some of us choose to grow strong at the broken places. As we grow up, we learn that even the one person who was never supposed to let you down, probably will. She will have her heart broken probably more than once, and it is harder each time. Similarly, I know she will break hearts too, when she does, I want her to remember how it feels when hers was broken. My Aimee is strong and resilient. She has bounced back from so many heartaches and still has not lost the light in her deep brown eyes.
I wish I could make her immune to peer pressure and to negativity. I would love to make her understand that everyone in the world may have an opinion of her but only she can decide what makes her truly happy as a person. Opinions are exactly that – just opinions. Life is often a process of negotiation. I want her to know that the most powerful tool for winning a negotiation is the ability to get up and walk away from the table without a deal – regardless of who the other party is. She will fight with her friends and will blame a new love for things an old one did. I want her to know that things happen at the right time – not necessarily when we want them to – happy endings cannot come in the middle of a story.
It is not always easy to be a mom – but I wouldn’t change it for anything. I want the world for her and more than anything I want my girl to be happy. I see so much inner beauty, flashes of strong will, brilliance and inner strength in her but more than anything, I love her spirit.
I want the world for her, but much more than that - I want her to be happy and to know that being happy doesn’t mean that everything is perfect. It means that you have decided to look beyond the imperfections and can find contentment regardless. A happy person is not a person in a set of certain circumstances, but rather someone with a certain set of attitudes about their particular circumstances. You don’t have to change the world to be happy – it might get your name recorded in history books but it is much more important to write your name in the lives and hearts of others.
If I had my sweet sixteen-year-old brown eyed girl with me today, I would hold her tight, smell the sunlight in her hair and tell her how beautiful she is – inside and out. I hope that she is able to enjoy the little things in life today – to take pleasure in small and seemingly insignificant things. I am so very proud to be her mom and of the woman she is becoming. She is stubborn, spirited, annoying as hell at times but with beautiful heart that tempers her independent spirit and warms my heart.
So today, on the dashboard of my life, my girl’s light burns brightly. The gratitude switch has been flicked, along with pride and hope but more than anything, the longing fuse is blinking intermittently. I cannot wait to have her home. She and her brother are the centre of my world. She is, and always will be the beautiful baby I cradled in my arms when she smiled at me the first time and I lost my heart forever.
You are as beautiful as your daughter. If your blogs are anything to go by - a beautiful person inside too.
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